Dealing with Grief

I'm putting this post up as part of an agreement with Laurenella who had tweeted to say she was wondering whether to post a 'personal' post, I told her I loved to read personal posts but that I couldn't really talk because I had lots of posts in my drafts which I daren't post. I've had this in drafts for months, I didn't want to post it because I didn't know if it was a bit 'much' but here goes...

Please note, the content of this post could be a potential trigger, please be aware of this before you proceed to read. Thankyou.

I was undecided about whether to actually post about this because it's a bit depressing and a bit morbid in a way but I realise that my readers might want to know a little more about me than meets the eye. I also find it's good to 'talk' and share things like this because I have no doubt that there will be at least some of you that have experienced the same as me. 

Basically, 5 years today I lost my Auntie... she was one of those people in my life that I couldn't imagine losing, I remember thinking to myself 'I really don't know what I'd do if I lost my Auntie Karina' because she was such an inspiration to me. Other people would probably just think she's a normal person, nothing out of the ordinary and she was really, I just totally idolised her for all she was and all she did. She was so determined to get where she wanted to be and she definitely lived every day as if it were her last. She was diagnosed with a secondary Neuroendocrine tumour in her liver, which was devastating because I for one generally associate 'cancer' with death. However, the doctors told her that if she had periodic treatment she would probably live a perfectly normal life as it wasn't an aggressive cancer and could be kept under control. Unfortunately what they didn't know was where the primary cancer was, they couldn't find it anywhere. 

She lived a relatively normal life for about a year, obviously having treatment and stuff but none of us were ever worried that it was serious enough to threaten her life. She celebrated her 10th wedding anniversary with a party in July 2007, looking healthy as ever, loving life and not showing any signs of being beaten by her cancer.

(Karina is on the right hand side, the day before her 10th wedding anniversary party, my mum is on the left)

But then in December 2007, she came home to announce to us that she had a matter of weeks to live. We had no idea how much she had deteriorated because she lived in London and to be honest I don't think she wanted us to know the score because she knew that we'd all want to be down there looking after her and she didn't want that. The doctor had said she had around 2 weeks left, but as I always say doctors can't put a time on your life and she proved that because she was actually at home with us for 7 weeks which was both lovely but so painful at the same time because we saw her get worse over a period of time.

The whole experience wasn't one I'd wish on my worst enemy, Karina seemed so strong and we all crumbled around her; I remember the day she came home like it was yesterday, and I remember hearing my mum cry in bed which was awful because I honestly didn't know what to do. I'd always been so good at expressing my emotion and comforting others but I just clammed up. I spent my nights reading about cancer and other peoples experiences, hoping and praying that there was going to be this miracle and she'd be ok. Silly really, and totally irrational. 

So the weeks passed by, it was just like a waiting game, waiting for the inevitable to happen... I can't even begin to imagine what Karina was thinking. On Wednesday January 30th 2008 at about 8.45pm she lost her battle, with everyone around her (except me, I chose to stay in the front room). And I remember sitting there on the sofa staring at the TV, I heard everyone burst into tears and I knew what had happened but I was just blank. Not because I wasn't upset but I don't think my brain knew what to do. I went into the room where she was and said goodbye and had a little tear and a little cry but that was it really.

For a week after that I was like emotionless and I'd beat myself up emotionally thinking what is wrong with you, you heartless cow! Why aren't you crying!? Because I knew I should have been, I just couldn't. 

Then came the funeral and I decided to do a bit of a reading, on the day I remember being fine, we followed the herse to the church and I was OK then we got out and waited for the coffin to come out and I just remember this overwhelming feeling came over me, I just thought that's my Auntie Karina in there and I just broke down... for the first proper time I really cried. It was the first time since she passed away that I felt uncontrollable grief.

I was sat down in the church and I remember my dad putting his arms on my shoulders from behind me and I just turned around really nastily and said 'GET OFF' and I know that's so awful but I just didn't want to be touched because I didn't know how to deal with it. I composed myself and got up to do the reading and I was fine, a little shakey at the end but I just managed to pull myself together. 

I had never had this happen before, I'd never had anyone that close to me pass away before so this was my first experience and I really didn't know how to deal with it. I probably should have gone to a councillor about it but I didn't know what I wanted to say, I spent a lot of time writing letters about how I felt, even to this day I'll write my Auntie Karina a note in a card and take it to the cemetary. She's still very much a part of my life, I happen to have surrounded myself with her friends because I married her best friends' brother!

Everything is so much easier for me when I talk, I don't want to hug about it and I don't want people to tell me how sorry they are... I never have. All I've ever craved is people to talk to me about her, and I've never had a problem with that because there's always someone willing to chat to me about old times. The only thing I will say about my whole experience is that I feel like I've become a bit 'cold' at times. I tend to grieve to myself most of the time, everyone knows how much I miss her and I don't want to sound like a broken record but I do still sometimes think 'this is a horrible dream... and I'm going to wake up any minute'. But obviously it's not and there's times when the harsh reality will hit me and I'll just cry... whether it's a song or a film or whatever it is there are certain things that will bring everything flooding back and I don't see that stopping any time soon. 5 years on, I think I'm still grieving in a way because I feel so robbed; I had big plans for me and my auntie Karina and they never happened. 

One of my fave photos of her (i'm the little girl)

I'll never stop missing her, I'll never forget her, and I'll certainly never stop talking about her! 

You can't put a timescale on grief, and nobody can tell you how to do it. I do feel as if mine was a delayed reaction, I feel it more sometimes now than I did when it happened. If you're going through it please remember that there's always someone to talk to. The only help I sought was from the Samaritans I didn't ring them, because I didn't feel I wanted to 'talk' to anyone, I sent them an email just explaining how I felt (it was at the point when I wasn't feeling much emotion) and within 24 hours they replied to me and it did give me some comfort knowing that someone was there to give me impartial advice. 

I'm not a councillor or an expert in this and I only know what I've experienced but if you haven't already tried it... talk to someone, even if it is the Samaritans, there's no shame in it. Whatever you feel isn't wrong or a sin. It's your way of dealing with it, and your way, whichever way it is, it's absolutely fine. 

30 Easy Ways to Save Money

Following on from my money saving tips I've decided to put together 30 ways to save one english pound. It's also the 30th Anniversary of the one pound coin... who knew? I certainly didn't!

1. If you are lucky enough to have a Sky TV package, ask yourself if you really need all the channels that you get with it. For example, dropping the kids channel will save you £1 per month and if you have movies but don't really watch them, that could save you around £8 per month! Give Sky a call and see what they can do for you.

2. If you've got an old tired pair of shoes with some scuffs and imperfections, consider customising them to give them a new lease of life. Wash them however they permit you to and have a look on Pinterest for some crafty tutorials on how to customise shoes.

3. Sign up to Super Savvy Me, they have lots of printable coupons with between 50p and £2 off which you can take with you to the supermarket.

4. Consider places like Ebay for clothes, especially for special occasions, people often list things like ball gowns on there which have been worn once, in immaculate condition, you can pick these up for less than half the original RRP if you can catch them at the right time. 

5. If you're a coffee lover buy yourself a jar/tin of luxury coffee (around the £4 mark) and a flask. Instead of buying coffee every day before/after/during work, have your flask at hand and you'll be saving around £3/£4 per day just by not buying it from a coffee shop!

6. You don't have to get your photo prints from Boots etc. they can often be quite expensive in comparison. Shop around online, a lot of online photo printers will offer free prints for your first order. Snapfish offer 40 free 6x4 prints with your first order!

7. Instead of buying bottled water invest in a water filter for home, then every day fill up a plastic bottle and take that with you.

8. Consider buying some cute handkerchiefs instead of carrying around packets of tissues, these can be washed and used over and over again, and it's got to make blowing your nose look a little more attractive with a little lacy number!

9. Are you seriously considering spending big money on a designer handbag? If so I highly recommend you have a look at some of VIPXO's ebay posts.

10. Might sound daft but reassess how you get around. Could you share a car, get off at an earlier bus stop or even bike/walk to work. This could save you hundreds over period of time. 

11. Consider shopping in places like Aldi, those TV adverts aren't for nothing, their stuff really is as good if not better than the well known brands.

12. Get your sewing needles out if you've got a little hole in a piece of clothing, failing that talk nicely to your mum/nana/auntie and see if they can help you out... saves you having to buy more clothes!

13. Hang your washing out on the line instead of putting it in the tumble dryer. Dryers may be convenient and quicker but if it's a nice sunny day get your clothes pegged out and blowing in the wind... saves energy and money!

14. Cook from scratch instead of using ready meals/eating out; it might take a little longer but it is a lot cheaper! If you go for meals because it's romantic you can make a meal at home just as nice, cooking the meal together is all part of the experience!

15. Instead of paying for music on itunes etc. why not try out an online music service such as last.fm or spotify, both offer free packages. You might not get to pick the exact song you want but you'll surely discover some songs and artists you haven't heard of. These are both legal and above board ways of listening to music for free, alternatively you could listen to your favourite songs via YouTube, VEVO upload lots of up to date tracks and their videos.

16. When making a cuppa make it in a teapot, for 4 people you generally only need 2 teabags if you leave it to stew... if you did it from individual cups you'd probably use a teabag per cup!

17. Turn all electrical appliances OFF at the plug, for as long as the plug is switched on, electricity will be going to the appliance.

18. Consider getting a water meter fitted. Especially if there's only you or you and one other in the house, you like taking showers rather than baths and you don't use ridiculous amounts of water on your garden. 

19. If you have an empty freezer try and fill it, even if only with bread because empty freezers cost more to run.

20. Try not to go shopping on an empty stomach and make a list so you don't buy unnecessary items, don't give into the BOGOF temptations, you'll actually often waste the food. 

21. If you're bored of your current makeup stash, consider swapping some with your friends/other bloggers instead of buying more and more. 

22. When it comes to insurance, whether it's for your car, pet or home, don't settle for your renewal figure. This years figure for my car insurance was in excess of £500... I decline that and ended up only paying £400 with another company. 

23. If you're considering buying a new car make sure you think about its fuel consumption and car tax. There are now cars out there which are very economical with fuel and only cost £30 per year to tax... these kinds of cars will also probably be cheaper to insure. At the end of the day you don't NEED a load of power behind the wheel, the top end legal speed limit in the UK is 70 MPH, anything over that could land you a fine and points. Nobody wants that.

24. Instead of going to the cinema wait until the film you want to see is released on an online rental service such as Blinkbox and rent it from there, saves you the expensive cinema ticket, extortionate sweets & petrol money to get there.

25. Assess your mobile phone contract and see if you actually use the allowances you have. At a certain point in your contract you can lower your allowances and therefore pay less. Give your service provider a call and see what they say but make sure that any changes you make don't lengthen your contract. 

26. Look out for when your essentials are on offer, for example your favourite shampoo or even sanitary products. Buy them at a low price even if you don't need them at that moment because chances are when you do need them they'll be full price!

27. When it's your birthday/christmas save any gift bags you get, you can reuse these during the year (just make sure you don't give them back to the person that gave you them!)

28. Instead of going out in town with your friends why not have a girly night in, do whatever takes your fancy but it's got to be cheaper than the average £50 you'd spend on a night out. 

29. Grow your own herbs/vegetables. If you've got a spare patch of grass in your back garden plant some seeds and get growing! It's relatively easy and so rewarding when you get your first piece of veg! Even if you don't have a garden you can get window sill top boxes for herbs!

30. Instead of buying a load of magazines every week/month discuss with your friends what magazines they like and if they like similar ones to you take it in turns to buy a certain one each every week and then swap them!

10 Easy Ways to Save Money

Since buying a house and living independently, I'm all for finding easy ways of saving money without having to make huge lifestyle changes. I asked you to give me your tips and recommendations for saving even just a few pounds here and there and you delivered the goods. Emma Drew is my real money saving/side hustle guru but here's a bit of money saving advice from across the UK:

1. "Shop around, use search engines online to search through different sites [like Money Supermarket!] to compare to get the best prices." Sammie Earth. 

Girl Up North Tip: Using money saving search engines also saves you the leg work of trawling through loads of different websites! 

2. "Cut car costs. Always use compare sites for car insurance. My fiancés parents paid HALF for their car insurance last year from the year before when I helped them use a compare website. Save fuel by making sure your tyres are always properly inflated, you’re not carrying more than you need in your car, only using air con when you really need to, take off roof racks if you’re not using them, drive smoothly – avoid over accelerating and breaking when you could just take your foot off the accelerator. All of these will help save fuel." Tiffany Warner

3. "Learn to Haggle, it can be quite fun and it's always worth an ask. When we wanted a new bed we looked in a few shops and when we found the one we really wanted, we haggled the price down AND managed to get free delivery too! We saved between £100 - £200." Tiffany Warner

Girl Up North Tip: I think this is an especially good tip, in this tough economic environment stores will often knock money off if it means them securing a sale. Try this in big stores as well as independent stores, the price tag isn't necessary the actual price, it's what is known as 'an invitation to treat' (A-Level law student coming out in me there!)

4. "Instead of having to cash out to buy new clothes and makeup - do a wardrobe swap with your friends! That way, you both save money and don't end up splashing out on new items to wear." Hannah P

Girl Up North Tip: As well as doing swaps with your friends look out for local swap events where you can do the exact same thing but on a bigger scale!

5. "My top money saving tip is, when you are doing your weekly grocery shop, consider buying from the supermarkets' 'value' range rather than the branded alternative. Some of the cooking sauces are as cheap as 20p and a lot of them are rather tasty! I've saved such a lot on my weekly shop by doing this, and the quality is, on the whole, excllent. Give it a try and I'm sure you will find some tasty bargains!" Carly Watts

6. "Make your own beauty products such as body scrubs which can be made using brown and white sugar, vanilla extract and oil. Face masks can be made from avocado, yogurt, oats etc." Megan Williams

Girl Up North Tip: You can find loads of tutorials for things like this on beauty blogs, just Google 'home made face mask' or whatever it is you're looking to make yourself.

7. "Join up and complete surveys online. There are companies out there that pay you for surveys. It soon adds up and you can get vouchers" Kellie Hill

Girl Up North: I can vouch for this one, I have signed up to Toluna surveys and I get invited to lots of surveys, the points do mount up and I've had £60 worth of Boots vouchers... that's a lotta toiletries (or one or 2 high end lipsticks but shhh....)

8. "Lunches. So many people think nothing of spending pounds a days on lunches, snacks and drinks at work. This can add up to a crazy amount a month! I go to work to make money, not spend it, so always make sure I'm prepared for the next day. With the smallest effort, you can cook enough dinner to reserve some for lunch the next day. Failing that, just have a loaf of bread and some filling around to knock up a quick sandwich when needed. Fruit, nuts and home made cookies should be enough to keep you full and away from the vending machine. If you really need coffee, consider a thermos rather than paying the prices of expensive coffee shops." Gemma Mills

9. "Think about every single thing you buy, do you really need it? If so, can you make it yourself much cheaper? If not, can you buy it cheaper elsewhere (ebay!)? Often, second hand can be just as good and less than half price. If you really need it to be new, can you get money back via cashback websites or collect reward points such as through Tesco Clubcard and pay using a credit card for more reward points (but make sure you will pay it off in full to avoid interest!). These reward points can really add up, I am just about to get my annual breakdown cover for 'free' using my Tesco Clubcard rewards." Gemma Mills

10. "Get a prepaid card, put it in a drawer and set up a direct debit for x amount each month.  This will mount up if you don't use your card and then when an unexpected bill comes in or something breaks - you can use your pre paid card rather then a credit card." Rachael

Pros and Cons of University

Graduation was full of mixed feelings really, finishing university was a huge relief for me because it signified the end of 3 years of really hard work and 3 years of fighting with myself to not drop out before the final hurdle. I don't think young people get enough information about university before applying because they think it's the natural 'next step' so I've put together a list of pros and cons so you might be able to answer the question 'Should I go to university?' a little bit more easily.

Pros of going to university

- You should hopefully widen your knowledge of a subject you love and come out with a degree

- You meet some lovely people

- You get student discount in lots of shops

- Even if you can't afford to go the government will help with fees
- Some professions require degree level education (but it's still well worth looking at alternative routes if you're still unsure about university)
- It gives you a taste of independent 'adult' living
- There's opportunity to have a fantastic social life
- If you choose to, you can get involved in lots of interesting extra-curricular activities and societies

- There are student loans to help with fees and maintenance

Cons of going to university 

- Your degree definitely does not guarantee you a job

- It can be very cliquey

- It is very hard work and if you are not willing to push yourself it probably isn't for you

- It costs A LOT and you will be left with debt (although Martin Lewis will tell you that tuition fee debt isn't a bad debt)

- You cannot afford (in money or time) to party all the time in the second and third year, it is NOT a three year party unless you want to come out with a rubbish classification (unless you are a superhuman genius who can bash out an A grade essay in 8 hours)

- Be prepared for it to be a massive shock to the system, I honestly thought it was going to be the making of me; moving to Leeds and starting a new chapter of my life, living the big city lifestyle.... When in reality I didn't fit in with my flatmates, it cost an absolute fortune and I ended up back at home permanently after Christmas, and I still had to pay full rent as the terms and conditions stated that unless you personally found a new occupant, you had to pay the rent whether you were there or not.

- Driving to and from Leeds was such a pain, especially when some days I only had an hour or 2 of teaching so make sure that if you don't want to live near your university that you don't go somewhere too far from home!

If you're really unsure about university you need to ask your in-school/college careers advisor to recommend some alternative routes into what you want to do. There are some fantastic degree-level apprenticeships out there, it's just a case of finding the right one for you.

How to Overcome a Fear of the Dentist

So yesterday I had my first dental treatment in over 5 years... A pretty big bit of repair work to a previously filled tooth that had broken.

To put it bluntly I was shitting myself. But I had made the first step to overcoming a fear of the dentist.

The only experiences I ever remembered with a dentist were bad, my old dentist was rough, made me bleed and basically scared me for what I thought was life, I never thought I would set foot in a dentist ever again. My philosophy became 'if it don't hurt don't fix it' and although my broken tooth didn't hurt I knew it was inevitable that it would one day break even more.

The sound of the drill, the sensation, the trepidation and the fear of needles just kept me away completely and it's been a fair while since my tooth first broke and as I suspected, more came off last week so I had to bite the bullet (thankfully not in a literal sense) and book in.

Honestly this time last week I did not think I'd be writing this post, and don't get me wrong I am not completely rid of my phobia, but at the end of the day I don't think the dentist will ever be a pleasant experience But my aim is to try and make it a bearable experience, so here are my top tips for getting on the road to getting a bit of confidence back.

Image from weheartit

1. Think about why you have a fear, if it is something that your current dentist has done then consider changing; I think a lot of fear derives from the association of bad things; for example my dentist always got angry if I ever got upset; he never attempted to try and put me at ease he just told me to 'shut up and stop being so stupid'... Not good when you already feel silly for being upset. Ask around your friends and Family and see who they go to or who they've heard is good.

2. If you can afford it, go private. I know this isn't for everyone because it can get very expensive depending on your treatment. A check up at my new dentist costs £60 I think whereas NHS is around £20 I believe; yes this is expensive but I see it as an investment... I know she's going to do her best not to hurt me and I know she has the patience. TIME is very pressing with NHS dentists and often they are pressed for time and need you in and out as quick as possible which is why they aren't always accommodating when you need a bit of extra support. The one I go to is a 'minimal intervention' dentist which means that they work on prevention of problems rather than the cure. Plus if you are in desperate need of treatment, they generally don't have waiting lists.

3. Walk through the door; no matter how hard it is I recommend just going into the dentist and making an appointment, even with the NHS, book in for a check up. Turn up on the day, walk into the room and explain to the dentist what the problem is; only have him/her do what you are comfortable with. For example the first time I went I was in tears as soon as I walked in, I explained the obvious (that I was petrified) and she asked me to sit on the chair, I didn't lay down I just sat and chatted for 5 minutes and then I said that I was happy to lay back and let her have a look, providing she didn't put the hook thing in my mouth or touch any of my teeth, which she was fine with... She did at one point ask to put the hook in to test one tooth which I agreed to and she was soo gentle! She then took some X-rays (easy, pain free) and finally treated my teeth with a fluoride solution (again, easy and pain free) and BAM that was it, my first dental appointment over with and I walked out wondering what I fussed about. REMEMBER that YOU are paying the dentist to provide a service, whether NHS or private and you do not have to let them do anything you don't want, providing you are polite the dentist should be very obliging and understand your needs.

4. ASK for anything... Dentistry nowadays is way more advanced than it was even 5 years ago, I didn't know numbing gel even existed so when I had an anaesthetic injection I asked for plenty of numbing gel and she really did coat my whole gum in the stuff which meant that I didn't even feel the injection going in! Some dentists also have new technology called 'air abrasion' which means that where possible they will not use a drill; basically they blast away the bits of decay with tiny particles which makes it relatively noise and pain free!! At the end of the day... If you don't ask, you don't get.

5. Occupy your mind. If you actually get sat down in a dentist chair, first of all MASSIVE WELL DONE, be proud of yourself and second of all try and keep your mind occupied, it might sound totally daft and you might think it will never work but it does for me... I close my eyes and wiggle my toes, the right side 10 times and the left side 10 times, just the counting from side to side makes you think of something other than what's going on in your mouth.

6. Reward yourself, I know dentist treatment is expensive in itself but try and give yourself a treat afterwards; whether it's a lipstick you've been umm-ing and ahh-ing over for ages or just a takeaway later that night... Rewards aren't just for children, they work for adults too!!! My reward last night was an indian takeaway because I'd not had one in ages!

I hope this has helped someone in some way, if it gets one of my readers to a dentist after a number of years then I will be very happy... Trust me I never thought I would ever visit a dentist except unlesss I was totally sedated but I have broken the barriers and the feeling when Id had my filling was immense, I felt so proud of myself!!!

Please, Please, Please try and go, I know I sound like your mum now but I really regret leaving it so long because your teeth are such an important part of your body; everyone looks at them when you talk and healthy looking teeth will make you far more confident... and most importantly we all know how painful tooth ache is, so don't let it get to that stage!!